{"id":8575,"date":"2017-10-29T16:29:52","date_gmt":"2017-10-29T22:29:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/?p=8575"},"modified":"2019-05-17T19:47:07","modified_gmt":"2019-05-18T00:47:07","slug":"why-its-not-selfish-to-love-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/why-its-not-selfish-to-love-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"Why it\u2019s not selfish to love yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

I love my chickens\u2026or chooks, as we call them here in Australia! ?<\/span><\/p>\n

A few weeks ago Chummy, a magnificently plumed large grey chook, went clucky. She wouldn\u2019t leave the laying box, sitting on all the eggs trying to hatch them. The only problem with Chummy\u2019s maternal urge was the absence of a rooster, so instead I went to the local farm stock supplier and\u00a0came home with four chirping, one-day old chicks for her to raise<\/strong>. ????<\/span><\/p>\n

I moved Chummy into a secure area and introduced the new little chickadees at night once she was sleepy. Even though these little chicks had never seen their own mother or any other adult hen, they immediately went to her and burrowed in under her feathers and settled for the night \u2026 so very cute, as you can see!!\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Next morning, Chummy (now known as Chummy Mummy, of course!) came into the garden with her chickadees and spent the day showing them how to scratch in the soil to find little bugs and and how to peck at the small treats I gave them. Every now and then she\u2019d sit down and let the little ones burrow under her again for a short nap before continuing their busy chicken day. ?<\/span><\/p>\n

Chummy\u2019s\u00a0natural maternal instinct<\/strong>\u00a0meant that when I\u2019d bring little treats for them all\u2026finely chopped veggies or little bits of raw meat\u2026she\u2019d make her special \u201cfood\u2019s here\u201d clucking noise, pick up the treats in her beak and place\u00a0them in front of the chicks,\u00a0not once eating any for herself<\/strong>! Even when the chicks had lost interest in the treats and were pecking a little further off she didn\u2019t eat anything, leaving it for them.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This continued for a couple of weeks with Chummy putting the chicks well-being first. After a while she started sharing the treats with them always making sure they ate first. Then in the fifth week, she decided they were big enough to fend for themselves and she rejoined\u00a0the big chooks, leaving the chickadees to free-range on their own, which they were happy to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Watching Chummy with her chicks, made me aware of\u00a0how strong the instinct is in many of us to\u00a0put the needs of others we care about above our own<\/strong>.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Self-love = Selfish is a social story<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Many of the people we work with who want to feel more self worth and to love themselves more, say they can\u2019t step away from the caring or helping role.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unlike Chummy, they are caught in an\u00a0old story of helping others and denying themselves<\/strong>\u00a0even when the other person\u2019s survival or well-being isn\u2019t actually at stake.\u00a0They haven’t\u00a0recognised the difference\u00a0between a need and a want,\u00a0<\/strong>so they feel they have to respond to\u00a0every<\/u>\u00a0request, and they don\u2019t say no because\u00a0they don’t want to see themselves, or be seen by others, as selfish<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

They\u2019ve decided, based on social stories and teachings, that putting their own needs first is selfish and so they\u2019ll run themselves into the ground or\u00a0give away their joy and peace of mind\u00a0<\/strong>so that another person has what they\u00a0want<\/u>.\u00a0While we most often see women grappling with this, they\u2019re not the only ones because men can experience their own version of a social story about needing to provide for their families.<\/span><\/p>\n

What do you want to teach others about self-love?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Equating\u00a0self-love with selfishness is a powerful social story<\/strong>\u00a0that tells us that doing anything for ourselves or putting our needs before another\u2019s is selfish. But is it really?<\/span><\/p>\n

When you deny your well being or your joy so another can have what they want, what are you teaching them? They’re learning that…<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  • it\u2019s\u00a0not<\/u>\u00a0ok to love yourself enough\u00a0to take care of yourself<\/strong>\u00a0and\u00a0they should do the same<\/strong><\/em>.<\/span><\/li>\n
  • it\u2019s a\u00a0good thing to sacrifice your joy for others\u00a0<\/strong>and\u00a0so should they<\/em>.<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
  • it\u2019s better\u00a0not to express their worthiness and self-love<\/strong>\u00a0by doing things that bring them joy because\u00a0everyone else\u2019s needs are much more important<\/strong><\/em>.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
    \n

    The pressure of this\u00a0social story that\u00a0self love is selfish which is constantly\u00a0reinforced<\/strong>\u00a0when you deny yourself<\/strong>, means they think they have no choice but to deny themselves as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n

    Instead, wouldn\u2019t you\u00a0rather that they learnt<\/strong>\u00a0that …<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n
    • while\u00a0it\u2019s wonderful to help another\u00a0<\/strong>person in need,\u00a0it\u2019s equally wonderful to love and give to yourself<\/strong><\/span><\/li>\n
    • when you\u00a0give to you first, you have so much more love, joy and energy to share<\/strong>\u00a0with others because you\u2019re not feeling depleted or even slightly resentful because there\u2019s no time or space for you?<\/span><\/li>\n
    • self-love and self-worth are just empty concepts, unless they enact and express them\u00a0by\u00a0doing things that nurture\u00a0<\/strong>them bringing them\u00a0joy and peace?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      If you\u2019re answering \u201cyes\u201d as you read this, then you can\u00a0show them how,\u00a0by loving yourself<\/strong>\u00a0enough to give to you first<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

      This doesn\u2019t mean you stop caring for your children or elderly parents, or that you ignore a friend going through a tough time who needs a comforting chat and a hug!<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n

      But it does mean that\u00a0shift the balance, so that you give to you too\u00a0<\/strong>rather than always putting everybody else\u2019s needs before your own!<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n

      \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

      Simple questions to help you\u00a0choose\u00a0self-love<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      These simple questions have helped me to shift from putting my needs at the bottom of my list of priorities to making sure that I\u2019m taking care of myself in the midst of a busy life with lots of competing demands.<\/span><\/p>\n

      In the past, I\u2019d always thought that I\u2019d have time to express my\u00a0self-love with a walk in the sun, or spending time in the garden\u00a0once I\u2019d done everything for everyone else<\/strong>. But guess what\u2026there was\u00a0never anytime left over for me!\u00a0<\/strong>It was Energy reflecting Energy\u2026the less I was prepared to give to myself, the less time there was for me to give to myself. I was creating\u00a0my own proof for my version of this social\u00a0story<\/strong>\u00a0about how little time I had for me\u00a0because\u00a0everyone else’s needs came first!<\/span><\/p>\n

      \n

      Funnily enough, since I\u2019ve started using these questions,\u00a0I\u2019m just as busy as before but I\u2019ve found more time for me<\/strong>\u2026more time for a walk to break up my\u00a0day at the desk, more time exploring my new love of water colour painting.\u00a0It all came down to a decision to make choices based on my love for self.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

      \n

      So next time a family member or friend wants you to do something for them (or\u00a0you think you should be doing\u00a0something<\/strong>\u00a0for someone even if they haven’t asked!), pause and ask yourself these questions\u00a0before deciding what to do \u2026\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

        \n
      • Is there a\u00a0real<\/u>\u00a0physical or emotional risk\u00a0<\/strong>to them if I say no?<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Are they capable<\/strong>\u00a0of doing this for themselves?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
      • If I keep doing it for them\u00a0am I stopping them from learning and growing<\/strong>?<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Are they asking me because\u00a0they doubt themselves<\/strong>\u00a0and if I agree am I unintentionally reinforcing their self doubt?\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Is this an opportunity for them to realise that\u00a0they\u2019re stronger\/smarter\/more able than they\u2019ve given themselves credit for<\/strong>?<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Am I the only one who can do this? Can I show them how?\u00a0Can I refer them to someone<\/strong>\u00a0else to help them?<\/span><\/li>\n
      • Does it have to be done according to their timeframe or is it something\u00a0I\u2019d be happy to do at a time that also worked for me<\/strong>?<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

        For me, the only one that would have me\u00a0drop anything without hesitation<\/strong>\u00a0is if the answer to the first question is yes\u2026otherwise\u00a0I\u2019ll get creative and have a compassionate conversation\u00a0<\/strong>with the other person to either say no or to help them see why they don\u2019t need me or to negotiate the when and the how so that it also works for me.<\/span>
        \"\"<\/span><\/p>\n

        And\u00a0of course\u00a0the first compassionate conversation I have is with myself, so that I can make a choice based on self-love rather than denying myself.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

        It’s an ongoing practice that brings more grace, ease and joy into my life so why not give it a try and let me know how you go!<\/span><\/p>\n

        Lots of love<\/span><\/p>\n

        Mary<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        What is loving and caring for yourself wasn’t selfish as we’ve been taught? What if it was actually an ACT of GREAT LOVE for OTHERS to put yourself first? Read this whimsical story of how Mary learnt this from her chickens!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":8574,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[112,1316,1366],"tags":[111,275,276,316,278,92,317,318,319],"class_list":{"0":"post-8575","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-blogs","8":"category-dzar","9":"category-love","10":"tag-blog","11":"tag-channeling","12":"tag-dzar","13":"tag-energy-practices","14":"tag-light-workers","15":"tag-love","16":"tag-positive-change","17":"tag-self-love","18":"tag-self-worth"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8575","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8575"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8575\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":14293,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8575\/revisions\/14293"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8574"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8575"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8575"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livinglibrarian.com\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8575"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}