Life on planet Earth is not easy, especially not if you have decided on a spiritual path.
In addition to having to overcome our chosen lessons and face karma, we also have before us one of the most difficult obstacles and the greatest opponent of our spiritual growth, which is our Lower Self.
The lower self is that part of us that is firmly connected to matter, life on Earth, and the physical body.
It is the energy of survival.
That energy is that negative voice in your head that is constantly speaking against you or someone else. Eternally dissatisfied, eternally negative, that voice follows us all our lives.
This energy is responsible for all the fights, quarrels and wars in the world.
It is an energy that never wants to be guilty and always blames, that criticizes but does not want to be criticized, that condemns but does not want to be condemned, that always wants and must be right at all costs.
This energy is full of fear and does not want us to progress because it loses control over our life. She doesn’t want anything in our life to change and is happy when we are unhappy. She knows us very well and at any moment she is able to pull out a memory from our arsenal of negative memories that she will shove in front of us and thus try to stop us.
(Perhaps even at this moment your Lower Self is telling you that you have more important things to do than reading this stupid text.)
Our Lower Self depends on our energy of negativity. It feeds on that energy and it strengthens it. The more negativity we release and transform, the less material our Lower Self has to block us.
But our Lower Self is a very dangerous adversary because as we grow in consciousness and vibration, it also advances, using more and more subtle methods hidden from the eye and consciousness.
Even people who are very high in consciousness can sometimes live in the illusion that everything in their life is in the best order.
During the writing of the text for Holy Nights, I also “accidentally” discovered where my Lower Self keeps me deceived and in the dark (it especially likes that).
Namely, as I wrote down questions for individual nights, I also asked them to myself at the same time. One of the questions was: “How much do you love yourself right now?”. Having asked myself that question, I honestly answered: “A little”.
When I started working on that answer by asking myself the question “Why” countless times, I came up with unexpected answers that surprised and shocked me.
I realized that during the last 10 years I have been living in the delusion that absolutely everything is good and beautiful in my life and that I live a peaceful, happy and comfortable life that everyone would wish for. To live the way I WANT!
I had no idea that in the background of the whole story there was a big disappointment with myself and that I first neglected some of my needs, dreams and passions along the way, then avoided them and in the end completely forgot that they were necessary and important to me.
It is incredible how a person falls into the routine of life completely forgetting that he once lived much more passionately and led a life that was much more dynamic and colorful.
Being disappointed more than ten years ago in certain people and circumstances that created a completely different life situation than the one I was supposed to live, a part of me “died”. That cycle of disappointment led to the fact that I suddenly convinced myself that I was not good enough, beautiful, sexy, successful, interesting and worthy of love because otherwise none of this would have happened.
I remember that after that my life was never the same.
I withdrew more and more from life, justifying it with the need to let go of the sadness and pain of losing the desired future. More and more, I refused any kind of life’s joyful events, because there was nothing for me to do, and at such a pace I entered more and more rapidly the rhythm of grayness, which I liked and which was in accordance with my inner feelings.
I was completely dedicated to work, justifying to myself and others my lack of free time with important tasks that I had to do, not caring that I was separating more and more from that part of my life that required play, fun, joy, free time spent in relaxed and cheerful society. I entered the complete blindness of my private life!
That state that I slowly created, became normal and everyday and the illusion that everything is completely perfect and in order.
How wrong I was! My Lower Self was hiding the real truth and was happy that nothing was changing.
Even if I would engage in situations that previously gave me immense joy and pleasure, my cardiogram showed the same heart reactions, and I explained this to myself with inner peace and maturity that can no longer be emotionally excited by anything.
Because what is the easiest way to keep someone in a cage? By taking away his passion, that wild, human passion for life, which results in general dissatisfaction, unfulfillment, disappointment, a sense of failure, inadequacy, procrastination, indecisiveness and finally a sense of dullness.
Add to that the other ingredients of the recipe, such as collective consciousness, and you have created ideal conditions for self-imposed imprisonment.
Perhaps this is precisely the explanation why sex and self-love were once considered a sin and are still lurking in our DNA? Tell a man that he is sinful if he lives passionately and you have created ideal conditions for guilt and control.
Of course, there was learning and progress during my period. Oh yes, it really was, but there was always something missing that I wasn’t aware of. Maybe that was also part of the process of spiritual growth, a phase of life in which I had to “die” in order to be reborn different, better, more aware. The phase in which I had to take away a part of my life in order to realize its significance again.
But anyway, deeply moved by what I discovered, I decided it was time to wake up and come back to myself. There is still much to learn.
Life’s lessons never end, and the most difficult ones are certainly how to love and appreciate yourself and how to be completely happy.
And therefore the most important questions that we must often ask ourselves and honestly answer are: “Am I happy and do I love myself?”
~ Natalia
